The strange taste of powder. When moms want to work.

It's 12:12 A.M. My business  partner wears diapers. He's my motivation. He props me up when life beats me down. He's not supposed to be wide awake, but I'm learning toddler tricks. He's giving me lots of hugs in an effort to stay up until his eyes finally shut. Manipulation 101. Oh, the joy. 

I kissed him goodnight long ago. The kiss on his cheek tasted like powder. He dumped a large portion onto the couch this evening. I look at his tiny face and wonder what's next for us. We're a team. All we really have most days is each other. If I want to write, he's by my side. When I job hunt, there are questions about my ability to find a babysitter, if a call comes through. The request may be to interview the same or next day. Situations like these are stressful for single moms like me. And when I gain insight from human resources managers, I'm hearing that some positions now require decisions made by entire search committees. I once regarded them as relevant to academia. No more. Even if an applicant is qualified on paper, the majority has to agree that he or she is desirable enough to land in the maybe pile. Online applications could be full of lies. I suppose that's irrelevant these days. 

As a new parent, what I find incredibly odd is how difficult it has been for me to find a permanent job as a new mother. Employers can't directly ask about children, but there are ways they find out if prospective applicants have them. I also am left questioning the idea of what a living wage may be. Childcare isn't cheap, nor are my student loan obligations.  When job negotiations end, it seems like a golden number may be tied to who accepted the lowest bargain. While sending my résumé in a lounge area last week, I heard someone in human resources bragging that a new hire could've negotiated a higher salary. "He has a new baby. I started him at $55,000. I could've gone as high as $60,000," he bragged. 

It was great that a new dad landed a full time job, but why has employment become regarded as a game? I thought the point was to work hard and contribute to society. Most people want to take care of their families by working. The more I endure through my job hunt, the more that I find value in becoming an entrepreneur. Most of us have to work other jobs, but having a vision, passion and side skill can feel validating. Publishing my first book, and selling out of the print run made me feel like I was in control of something. I constantly study how to create my own opportunities, just in case a traditional one falls through. At the end of the day, bills still must be paid. 

Through logistical challenges of life,  I know that  I have a place with someone. No matter who or what stomps on my dreams, my child's future helps me to bounce back. What motivates you to keep going, when your efforts seem to go unnoticed? For me, it's having a reason to believe that one day, my time will come in the workforce. Right now, I juggle lots of lemons to make my lemonade as tasty as possible.